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So this still has nothing to do with me being a BT. I’ve noticed that in the shidduch world, or even the dating world, BTs have a disadvantage for multiple reasons. They don’t have an array of frum friends from growing up who can introduce them to their friends or friends of friends, who might be dateable.My FFB friends have this resource, and sometimes it has led to relationships and engagements. They don’t have parents who can set them up with people. Not such a big deal in my community, or in the Modern Orthodox world in general, but at the same time, I think there might be something underlying.
Growing up, I was mostly conservative, but unfortunately nobody educated me on the importance of saving myself for marriage.
Recently I met a guy I really liked, and he told me he wouldn't date someone with experience because he treasured the concept of saving yourself for your spouse, which needless to say broke my heart until this very day.
Should a crippled jew unable to provide for himself leave his non-jewish wife and rely on charity, even when knowing he won't get any charity and he'll land on the street under the cardboard, even ... I'm 47 and I've spent my whole adult life far from Jewish practice. I have heard there is a not so well-known opinion that Rebbi Akiva actually knew Torah before the age of 40, but had left the path of Torah observance.
There was this mathematician Kurt Goedel who died of starvation because he ate nothing but food prepared by his wife who was hospitalised for a long period. His story would actually make more sense if that'...
My problem is that I do not know how to stop punishing myself and move forward with the joy of having come to this point of clarity. Like you, most of these readers are upset with themselves and "punish" themselves for the choices they made -- choices that were completely acceptable among their contemporaries, and which were made at a time that they didn't have another perspective to guide them.